Kids have the ability to know when they’re truly being listened to. If kids don't think we’re listening, they’ll stop talking to us. Therefore, as parents, we need to understand the three distinct “levels of listening.”
Most of the conversations with our kids involve listening with an agenda (Level 1 listening) or listening from your perspective (Level 2 listening). However, if we can elevate our conversations and listen with an open mind (Level 3 listening), we have a much better chance of uncovering our children’s true thoughts, fears and opinions about underage drinking.
Level 1
Listening with an Agenda
- At this level, we aren't really listening. We're just reciting a script we have in our minds. For example, we might say:
- "Sit down. Your mother and I want to talk to you about underage drinking. You know you're not supposed to drink, right?"
- In other words, we've come to the conversation with a specific outcome in mind. We aren't open to ideas that stray from our original agenda. Level 1 listening is usually characterized by yes-or-no answers and interruptions, which can lead to misinterpretations, misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Level 2
Listening from your Perspective
- At Level 2, we're listening to what our kids say, but we're instantly relating it to our own views and experiences. For example:
-
Teenager:
"Mom, you just don't understand how hard it is to be the only one of my friends that has such strict rules."
Parent: "I know it's hard to be a teenager. When I was your age..." - When we listen like this, our kids feel as though their comments are just a platform for us to remind them that we know what's best. On the surface, it may seem like we're having a conversation, but actually we're not. We're just waiting for our turn to talk.
Level 3
Listening with an Open Mind
- Level 3 listening means listening without judgement. In other words, we focus on what they're saying, not what we think they should be saying. For example:
-
Teenager:
"Mom, you just don't understand how hard it is to be the only one of my friends that has such strict rules."
Parents: "I believe you. What makes it difficult? How have you been dealing with it?" - As parents, it's tempting to discount the way our kids feel because we don't believe they have "real" problems. By responding to their comments with an open mind, we show them respect, which helps build trust and higher levels of involvement in their lives.