Thanksgiving break is often the first time your college freshman will be home for an extended period since enrolling in school. In those few short months, the kid you sent to orientation will have had a host of new experiences. It’s important to acknowledge these changes as you work toward a new understanding with your teen.

Here are a few things to keep in mind when looking to reconnect over the holiday break:

1.Rather than setting agendas, look for opportunities.
Setting aside “designated reconnection time” is a no-go and can cause unnecessary stress. Instead, try doing things together that foster conversation. For instance, most kids talk more when they don’t have to make eye contact, so try doing some holiday shopping together. But be sure to let the conversation come naturally. Once that foundation is set, your child will be talking more in no time.

2.Respect them at a different level.
“Can I share something with you?” This is a huge key phrase. When kids are told something by an authority, they tune out. But when you act permissive and open, they’re more likely to listen. Share things about yourself and how you feel, but only if your child is open to answering.

3.Ask an ongoing question of the day to get the conversation flowing.
Come up with open, general questions to ask your kids each day. They don’t have to dive deep into difficult subjects – just something to get the ball rolling, like, “Where are your new friends from?” or “What are you looking forward to next semester?” Be sure it’s not a yes/no question. Soon, they’ll be the ones asking you questions!

Try these three things and you're well on your way to reconnecting. Just keep in mind that it's not about reconnecting for reconnecting's sake - remember to respect your child's growth during their first major holiday break from college and use this time to reframe your relationship.